Your body knows the truth: How the Felt Sense guides love, dating, and desire
We live in a world that overthinks and overanalyzes everything — how we look, what we say, how we dress, how we connect, and especially the way we love. We talk about it, worry about it, want it… and don’t want it.
We dissect text messages, make mental checklists, rehearse boundaries, and try to think our way into clarity.
But clarity doesn’t come from thinking harder.
Our bodies hold a wealth of information that can only be accessed by listening.
The butterflies in your stomach.
The image of a crushed flower that flashes through your mind when you feel small.
The hairs standing up on the back of your neck.
Beneath the swirl of stories and strategies lives something quieter, wiser, and more ancient:
The felt sense.
What is the Felt Sense?
The term felt sense was introduced by philosopher and psychotherapist Eugene Gendlin in the 1960s through his book Focusing.
He described it as:
“A vague, bodily awareness of a situation or problem — the sense of meaning held in the body before it becomes words.”
It’s the intuitive hum beneath thought:
The flutter in your belly when something’s off
The warmth that spreads when you’re truly seen
The heaviness that lingers when something isn’t quite right, even if you can’t explain why
Your felt sense is your body’s way of whispering the truth long before your mind can articulate it.
A simple way to understand the Felt Sense
Imagine walking into a restaurant and choosing a table.
Sometimes you don’t care where you sit.
Sometimes you know exactly which table you want.
Other times, you pause and feel into it.
You walk toward one table… something doesn’t quite land.
You try another — and suddenly your body settles.
You can’t explain why.
You just know.
That’s your felt sense at work.
In coaching: Feeling your way to truth
In my coaching containers, we’re not only gathering insight — we’re cultivating embodiment.
Gendlin discovered that people who experienced real, lasting change weren’t the ones who analyzed their problems best. They were the ones who could pause, feel, and gently describe what was happening inside their bodies.
That process became known as Focusing.
It’s the art of slowing down enough to let the body speak.
In sessions, I often ask:
Where do you feel that in your body?
If that place could speak, what might it say?
What does it look or feel like? How would you describe it?
When awareness drops from the head into the body, the nervous system’s wisdom comes online — and transformation begins to unfold from within.
How to access your Felt Sense (Gendlin’s 6 Steps)
You can explore your felt sense using Gendlin’s original six-step process. Try this when you feel confused about a relationship, decision, or emotion – or anytime you want to strengthen your intuition.
1. Clearing a space
Pause and check in with your body.
Ask:
What sensations are arising?
I am noticing that…
Something inside me feels…
You might notice a sensation, image, memory, color, or texture. Gently acknowledge each one and set it aside, creating inner space.
2. Getting a Felt Sense
Choose one piece (a sensation, image, or emotion) and bring your attention there.
Rather than thinking about it, let yourself sense it as a feeling in your body. You might notice heaviness, tightness, warmth, or a subtle buzz in your chest, belly, or throat.
If you notice nothing at all, that’s information too. Even numbness is a felt sense.
Gently ask:
What lets me know I’m experiencing numbness?
To deepen the experience, invite breath, sound, and movement. Send your breath into the space. Let sound emerge — yes, even if it feels strange. Allow your body to move or take shape naturally.
This is how the body begins to reveal more.
3. Finding a handle
Let a word, phrase, or image arise that captures the quality of the sensation:
“Tight knot”
“Foggy”
“Pressure”
“Expanding”
“A ball of black squiggly lines”
This becomes your handle; A way to stay connected to the felt sense.
4. Resonating
Go back and forth between the handle and the body sensation.
Does it match?
Adjust until you feel a subtle yes, that’s it.
5. Asking
Gently ask the felt sense:
What’s this about?
What needs my attention here?
Wait patiently. The response may arrive as an image, word, or inner shift.
6. Receiving
Welcome whatever arises with kindness.
Notice any release, breath, or warmth. This is your body saying, thank you for listening.
The more curiosity and compassion you bring, the more your body will share.
In dating: Letting your body be the guide
In dating, the felt sense is your truest compass.
Forget the rules and mental gymnastics — the body doesn’t lie.
Notice:
Do you expand or contract?
Do you breathe freely or hold your breath?
Do you feel safe, or are you subtly performing?
The felt sense helps you distinguish between the thrill of familiar chaos and the ease of genuine connection.
As relationship expert Stan Tatkin teaches, secure relationships are built on co-regulation, not performance.
In sex: Sensation as sacred communication
In sex, the felt sense becomes pure truth.
When you slow down and actually feel:
Is your pleasure real or performed?
Is your “yes” arising from desire or fear?
What sensations tell you it’s safe to surrender?
As Deb Dana, author of Anchored, reminds us:
“When our nervous system feels safe, we can access curiosity, play, and connection.”
Listening to the felt sense transforms sex from something you do into something you experience.
In love: The body as the barometer of truth
In love, the felt sense is your sacred truth-teller.
When both partners stay attuned to their bodies and each other’s, there’s more wiggle room and therefore a choice for love to become a field of safety, co-regulation, and surrender.
Returning home to the body
Whether in coaching, dating, sex, or love, your body is your compass.
It remembers truth before you name it. It holds wisdom older than thought.
Before your next date, conversation, or decision, pause.
Place a hand on your heart.
Ask softly:
Something in me feels…
And listen — not with effort, but with tenderness.
Because that’s where clarity, love, and self-trust begin.
Your felt sense isn’t something you need to learn.
It’s your home base.
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If you’re ready to reconnect with your body, quiet the overthinking mind, and learn to trust your felt sense in love and relationships, this is the heart of my 1:1 coaching.
Together, we explore how to date, love, and express desire from a place of safety, softness, and truth.
